England on Tour – Big Dave’s invasion of Poland

Before England’s recent World Cup qualifier against Poland we approached England fan ‘Big Dave’ to get the account of a traditional England fan who travels away.

We had our reservations about this, we thought Dave maybe stupidly boring and just list everything that he did from having a poo at the airport to what his hotel room looked like in Poland…we were wrong as he is actually slightly weird and more amusingly thinks he is a proper geezer…(no offence Dave)

Dave actually kept a diary for us (or wrote it all on the plane) – take a read and enjoy. 

October 16th – 5PM

Not sure why these muggy t*ssers at Football Rascal asked me to do this, but I thought I could use the money for an extra pint on this trip to Warsaw. So here I am ‘documenting my experience’ like some big time Charlie. Hope you appreciate it. Just got to my hotel here in Warsaw and I can safely say what a pile of shite – no wonder all these Poles are coming to England. Not sure what anyone’s really banging on about. Give me Luton any day of the week mate.

Just about to head out for a cheeky pint – and what’s this?!? Jester hat. Missing! All I asked the missus to do was to make sure she packed it. It’s important to be dressed right when you’re about to invade any country – let alone the Poles. God, I’m going to look a complete dick without it. These people need to know who we are. Lucky for everyone, she remembered my face paint. Little St. George’s cross action will sort this mess right out. Would have looked daft without it.

Off to the pub before heading to that high tech thing that’s meant to be a stadium. Give me Kenilworth Road any day of the week…

October 16th – 2AM

Well Football Rascal, it’s like you knew. How is an actual football match actually rained out – in a stadium that’s got a roof! Poles completely mugging us off. Travel all the way out here to watch us show those Poles up – and they have to postpone the game! Because of rain! It’s just a bit of water you tarts. And this roof? What a muggy joke that is. Thought these guys were meant to be able to build stuff. They build a retractable roof that can’t close in the rain, or other shite weather? In Warsaw? Are they havin’ a bubble?!

I tried to make the most of tonight by enjoying some of the local scenery. Felt a bit of a tit with my face paint washed off. But got on with the night anyways. This town’s a shithole, but didn’t mind the birds. Apparently our money wasn’t good enough for them lot, and we weren’t allowed into their establishments. They said something about us being a bit lairy. Sod them. Wouldn’t have had that at the Bricklayer’s. No matter. Got a couple a cans for me and the lads on the way back to the hotel. 

October 17th – noon

Can you believe you can’t find a full English anywhere here? Stuck in the f*ckin’ dark ages they are. After last night – this city owes me a decent fry up. Can’t wait to get home to Luton. You’ll be happy to know, despite the missing hat, the missus did remember me best shirt. Becks on the back. Standard.

Hold on…

The dizzy bird seems to have shrunk my shirt! A lesser man would probably be embarrassed to have it all hanging out. Not me. This was a fine investment. Your readers would love to get a rub of this. Better than any of those silly Geordies.

October 17th – 8pm

Mates – can’t tell you how glad I am to be heading back to Eng-er-land. Ridiculous place. Acting like I’m some loud foreigner. Who are they to me to put my top back on. It was sunny and I will get my kit off. If it weren’t for us…never mind Football Rascal. I’ll be back in Luton in no time. After the sabotage of the pitch – the game managed to go on. And I managed to have more than a few cans before the match.

Poles managed to get the roof closed today. Makes sense with it being sunny out. Backwards country. Anyways we clearly out played them Poles. They couldn’t handle our Roo. But who can? If only we’d had Terry at the back could have kept the clean sheet. But never mind. Came away with a result – even if it wasn’t the win that we deserved. We’ll take ‘em at home.

See you in Stockholm.

Big Dave



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  1. Twinkle says:

    What the hell mate?
    You come to a foreign land and want to spend quids in joints instead of using local currency? Then you manage to complain about the food being not english and that we don’t accept when someone acts like a tosser? This ain’t no XIX effin century, and this ain’t your colony. And boo to the fuckin hoo you managed to draw on a team that is at the bottom of fifa ranking. One can hardly call it a success. ;]

    Next time I suggest you immerse yourself in another culture when you’re there. That may broaden your horizons a bit, and, between you and me, those horizons could use that ;)

    • Big Dave says:

      Alright Twinkle Love – calm down.

      You lot should just be happy to get my foreign currency. Might do you some good. And it’s not my fault that the English cuisine in the fine city of Luton is of a superior nature – especially when dealing with the after effects of the alcohol I did manage to consume. No thanks to those dodgy bouncers.

      I was also perfectly respectable in your establishments. It was clearly just prejudice against us English – worried about the match the next day and that.

      Next match, feel free to make your way to a real city and I’d be happy to have a word.

      Big Dave

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