The essential transfer deadline day guide

It feels like yesterday that we were all getting excited about a month of gossip and transfer speculations and instead we’re already facing the prospect of seeing Jim White shout from our TV sets in less than 12 hours.

However, if you think you might miss something, we’ve drafted up a hour-by-hour guide to help you through tomorrow.

8am

Transfer deadline day kicks off with news that Arsenal, having been previously linked with Mirko Vucinic and Alvaro Morata, have now decided they no longer require a striker and will concentrate on Julian Draxler.

Liverpool, meanwhile, are waiting to finalise the deal for Yehven Konoplyanka, as Brendan Rodgers remains confident of signing Mohamed Salah.

Informed that Salah has indeed signed for Chelsea a few days ago, Rodgers replies: “We’ll see about that”.

9am

Friday is now in full swing and Harry Redknapp makes his first appearance on Sky Sports News, during which, from the comfort of his car, he complains about the transfer window which, according to him, “has gone mad”.

David Moyes arrives in Munich to scout Toni Kroos’ breakfast routine but after seeing the German international scoffing eight pretzels in 10 minutes, the United manager makes an angry phone call to Anderson, accusing the on-loan midfielder to be deliberately scuppering his plans.

Manuel Pellegrini, meanwhile, looks to clinch deals for Porto duo Fernando and Eliaquim Mangala, even though he admits City are looking to adopt a 1-6-4 formation in a bid to finally start scoring some goals.

10am

Julian Draxler’s agent denies Arsenal have got in contact with his client, but Arsene Wenger remains calm.

The Arsenal manager claims that “signing players is difficult, but we’re the world champions of sign-a-talented-German-midfielder-on-deadline-day, so we’re confident.”

11am

West Ham’s new signing Abdul Razzak confirms his reputation for being a bit of a numpty by tackling David Sullivan and Karen Brady at his unveiling, before going on to state that he’s never heard of the West Ham way.

Quizzed about the incident, Big Sam replies with a diplomatic: “I don’t give a s***e”.

Tom Ince, meanwhile, arrives in South London to sign for Crystal Palace, after a tour of every ground across the country which has seen him spend three month’s wages on petrol and chocolate bars.

Lewis Holtby arrives in Gelsenkirchen but Spurs forbid him to enter Schalke’s HQ as they hope to derail Draxler’s move to Arsenal.

12pm

Sir Alex Ferguson is spotted watching Sky Sports News. Twitter and the main newspapers are immediately awash with headlines suggesting that, by watching TV, the former United manager is making David Moyes’ job harder.

1pm

Alan Pardew admits that negotiations for Lyon midfielder Clement Grenier aren’t going well, after Joe Kinnear has submitted a fax to the French club in which he enquired about the availability of one Clan Granola.

Peter Odemwingie is on Sky Sports News, discussing how good it feels to be training on deadline day, rather than locked out of a football ground, sitting in his car.

Jose Mourinho, meanwhile, reveals that in an incredibly unexpected development, he’s asked Sam Allardyce to be his assistant for Monday night’s game at Manchester City, during which Mourinho wants to park the whole Transport for London’s fleet in front of goal.

2pm

Spurs try to hijack Liverpool’s move for Konoplyanka, with Brendan Rodgers seemingly unperturbed by the decision as he remains confident of landing his man, Salah.

David Moyes misses his pre-conference given that he’s still scouting Toni Kroos’ afternoon nap. Phil Neville fills in for Moyes but a minor riot breaks out when a journalist suggests Tom Cleverley and Marouane Fellaini are the answer to United’s midfield problems.

3pm

Cardiff complete the signings of another three Norwegians, while Arsene Wenger believes something strange is going on in Germany, where the deal for Draxler seems to have stalled.

“I think it’s not fair for Schalke to keep a player we want, when they’ve already played twice against teams in the Bundesliga.”

4pm

Jim White arrives into the studio on Sky Sports. 75% of viewers switches channel, while pubs refuse to serve customers who stare at the screen for longer than 15 seconds.

5pm 

Liverpool sign Konoplyanka and Brendan Rodgers is delighted. “The football club and I are over the moon to have Mohamed Salah at Anfield”.

When a journalist corrects Rodgers, the Liverpool manager laments the “number of journalists from Greater Manchester in the Premier League”.

Fulham spend their annual revenue on Kostas Mitroglou, who can’t hide his disappointment when he realises the South West London club he just joined play in white, rather than blue.

6pm

Lewis Holtby is still outside Schalke’s training ground, but with the transfer window now shut for the Bundesliga clubs, he phones Daniel Levy asking to come back to North London.

Harry Redknapp signs Peter Crouch for the 187th time. “T’riffic player, Peter,” says ‘Arry, who still hasn’t moved from the car park at Loftus Road.

7pm

Southampton finally manage to offload Dani Osvaldo to Juventus, where the Italian headbutts Carlos Tevez and Antonio Conte less than 15 minutes after having arrived in Turin.

Alan Pardew’s frustration continues to mount as there’s still no sign of a replacement for Yohan Cabaye.

The Newcastle manager appears on TV, accusing that “f*****g old c**t” Joe Kinnear of deliberately trying to destabilise the club.

8pm

Jose Mourinho admits that Chelsea should have probably signed a striker this season, but with time running out he’s finally come to terms that he’ll have to make do with Samuel Eto’o, Fernando Torres and Demba Ba until the end of the season.

“This could be too much even for the Special One,” mumbles Mourinho.

9pm

Manuel Pellegrini finds this all transfer deadline malarky rather boring and phones Sheikh Mansour to enquire about the possibility of lodging a cheeky bid for Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi.

Sheikh Mansour agrees.

10pm

Jim White is more excited than a kid in front of a Christmas tree and interrupts all Sky Sports’ programmes to announce a done deal.

“It’s official,” bellows White, “there’s only an hour left in the January transfer window, but Sky sources believe there might be 60 minutes to go”.

David Moyes has scouted Toni Kroos’ dinner and his Friday night routine and decides that, having seen enough, he’s happy to sign the German midfielder for a fee of £25m, while Alan Pardew is sacked by Newcastle.

11pm

Wayne Rooney pulls the plug on the deal meant to bring Kroos to Old Trafford, while Villa fend off a bid for Christian Benteke.

City unveil Ronaldo and Messi, with Pellegrini pleased to finally have some “serious firepower” at his disposal, as he plots a 0-0-10 formation.

Adel Taarabt and Mario Balotelli trade blows in a night out in Milan, prompting Harry Redknapp to offer Taarabt a way back to QPR.

Arsenal miss out on Julian Draxler and Arsene Wenger attempts a last-ditch bid for Luis Suarez, bidding £40m + £2 for Luis Suarez, before questioning the wisdom of Schalke’s decision.

Brendan Rodgers accepts the bid, justifying the uproar from Liverpool fans with the words: “It’s ok, at least we’ve got Salah.”

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