Your guide to the last 10 days of the transfer window

The 2013 transfer window will shut in exactly 11 days.

It is an incredibly short amount of time if you support one of the clubs still desperately trying to bolster their squads, but it’s a painstakingly long period of time if you’re bored to tears by the transfer market.

We don’t know whether Gareth Bale will export his trademark celebration to Madrid and whether Wayne Rooney will join Jose Mourinho in South West London

However, we have tried to predict how the next 10 days will unfold.

Friday 23rd August

Spurs confirm the arrival of Willian, while Andre Villas-Boas sets his sight on Erik Lamela and just about any other winger available in world football.

Meanwhile, Gareth Bale, frustrated by Real Madrid’s lack of effort to convince Danie Levy to let him go, decides to stop talking to the Spanish club until they’ve completed his signing.

In other news, Arsene Wenger says there will be “big developments” for Arsenal over the next couple of days, before reiterating that he remains happy with the squad, while Manchester United unveil a Zimbabwean phone company as their latest official partner.

Saturday 24th August

Arsenal lose to a Darren Bent-inspired Fulham and Arsene Wenger accuses the media of putting the team under pressure. “I don’t understand all this talk about Karim Benzema,” says the Arsenal manager.

“Last time we signed a French striker we got Giroud, and look how that turned out,” thunders Wenger.

West Ham trounce Newcastle 3-0, prompting Alan Pardew to claim that the mere existence of the transfer window disrupted his team’s preparation, while Sam Allardyce is treated to a hostile reception.

Will he stay or will he go?

“I heard the jeers, but it didn’t care,” reveals Big Sam after the game.  ”After all, they might boo me, but they’ve got Joe Kinnear back at the club and I know in which position I’d rather be,” continues Allardyce.

Manchester United, meanwhile, sign a sponsorship deal with a North Korean PR agency.

Sunday August 25th

Spurs draw against Swansea as AVB hands Willian his debut, which the Brazilian marks by scoring the equaliser.

Arsene Wenger is spotted in the stands, but denies submitting a £7m offer for Michu.

“I believe that Spurs have spent well this season, but have they won today? Of course they haven’t. ”

We haven’t spent a penny and we didn’t win either.  It makes sense, when you think about it” the Arsenal manager adds rather enigmatically.

Ahead of Monday night’s clash against Chelsea, United announce a deal with an ice-cream company based in Anchorage, Alaska.

Monday August 26th

Wayne Rooney comes off the bench to score an injury time equaliser against Chelsea, before running towards the touchline to apologise to Jose Mourinho.

Speaking after the game, the Portuguese manager deems Rooney’s goal to be “unethical” and vows to submit a third, fourth and fifth bid for the England striker.

David Moyes, meanwhile, explains United’s lack of activity in the transfer window: “Well, it was a bank holiday weekend and Ed Woodward thought we should crack open a few beers, rather than purchase players.”

Tuesday August 27th

Things are hotting up on Merseyside, where Everton receive a £40m combined bid for Leighton Baines and Marouane Fellaini from Manchester United.

Bill Kenwright slams the bid as “derisory and insulting”, before realising he’s forwarded to the press the email he received from Wigan in response to his £850,000 bid for James McCarthy.

Arsene Wenger offers £15m for Karim Benzema, while Manchester City fail in their bid to sign Martin Demichelis and turn to Liverpool’s Martin Skrtel.

Wednesday August 28th

Skrtel joins City, prompting a furious reaction from Luis Suarez who accuses Brendan Rodgers of breaking yet another promise.

“He told me he’d keep Skrtel at the club,” Suarez tells Sky Sports, “I think I might have to reconsider my future now.”

David Moyes admits Wayne Rooney might join Chelsea before the end of the transfer window and that United “are working” on securing a replacement for the England striker. Unconfirmed rumours suggest United might be preparing another bid for Cesc Fabregas.

Thursday August 29th

Luis Suarez is told by Liverpool that he can leave, but he’ll have to find himself a buyer first. The Uruguayan striker immediately calls Arsene Wenger, but the Frenchman is unavailable as he’s trying to finalise a deal for Karim Benzema.

Gareth Bale, meanwhile, still refuses to talk to AVB and everybody else at Spurs. Asked whether he’d like to join Real Madrid, the Welshman limits himself to a nod.

Paolo Di Canio completes Sunderland’s umpteenth signing of the summer, prompting envy looks from everybody Tyneside, particularly Alan Pardew.

Friday August 30th

Gareth Bale signs for Real Madrid, but he’s immediately warned by Cristiano Ronaldo about the pressure he’ll face at the Bernabeu.

“The big mirror in the dressing room is mine, bring your own hair gel and aftershave and don’t think for a second that you’re as good as I am, mate,” the Portuguese is heard saying while talking to Bale.

Real Madrid agree to sell Karim Benzema to Arsenal for £17m, sending Piers Morgan and the Arsenal fans in a frenzy, but Arsene Wenger refuses to complete the deal. “17 is an unlucky number in France,” explains the Arsenal manager, “they’ll to come up with another figure”.

Saturday August 31st

Everton receive and immediately refuse United’s final offer for Marouane Fellaini and Leighton Baines. David Moyes considers turning to the free agents market and asks Ryan Giggs to give Paul Scholes a call on his behalf.

Arsenal lose other two players to injury, leaving them with only 13 players available. “Football is played 11 vs 11, so we should be fine,” claims Wenger.

Sunday September 1st

Liverpool and Manchester United are involved in a boring 0-0 draw at Anfield, as Brendan Rodgers and David Moyes spend their afternoon discussing what is like to manage glorious clubs owned by Americans who, clearly, couldn’t care less about football.

Spurs win the North London derby as Soldado, Paulinho and Willian run riot, prompting a chorus of boos from the Arsenal fans at the Emirates.

After the game, the Arsenal board is hijacked by the man who last week became a YouTube sensation after venting his anger at Wenger. The unnamed fan forces Wenger to sign Benzema and Suarez for a combined fee of £75m. Wenger obliges.

Monday September 2nd

Wayne Rooney signs for Chelsea for £25m, but David Moyes reassures United fans by claiming their new signings will be unveiled after the transfer window has shut.

Meanwhile, in other transfer news, Luis Suarez joins Gareth Bale at Real Madrid and the pair are spotted giving each other diving tips at Real Madrid’s training centre, while Cristiano Ronaldo looks on unimpressed.

As 11pm approaches, David Moyes and Ed Woodward unveil United’s new signings – a Congolese fruit juice producer, an Ecuadorian fast food chain and an Iranian brewery – in front of a packed press room at Old Trafford.

Can any of the above happen? Probably not, but anyway…let us know below or get in touch via our Facebook or Twitter.


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