Sex, drugs and footballers

Reports that Kolo Toure’s specified substance was in fact a slimming product belonging to his wife is quite laughable. Not the fact that it’s a slimming pill, although that in itself is quite amusing, but the fact that he happily took a pill not thinking that there may be something in it which could be against the rules.

The World Anti-Doping Agency (Wada) defines a specified substance as one that is “more susceptible to a credible, non-doping explanation”. The punishment for this offence ranges from a warning to a two-year ban.

He follows a long line of footballers who have been slapped with bans after taking something which falls foul of Wada. Since football signed up to Wada’s code, testing has become more stringent and targeted, and ignorance is not regarded as a defence.

Hamilton Academical midfielder Simon Mensing recently served a four-week ban after a specified substance was detected in his system. However, former Sheffield United goalkeeper Paddy Kenny was less fortunate, serving a nine-month suspension after testing positive for the stimulant ephedrine. It took two months for the case to be heard and the player’s defence of the drug being present in cough medicine was dismissed.

Add this to Rio Ferdinand’s 9 month ban for ‘forgetting’ to give a sample after a game and it does make me wonder if footballer’s have any kind of brain upstairs at all. With all the help, such as club doctors at their beck and call 24/7 surely they should stop and think for just a moment before washing down pills or cough medicine like the rest of us mere mortals.


This brings me onto my next point: footballers having to think for themselves and generally messing up when they do. We’re always reading reports that footballers have ‘fixers’ at the club that will sort out all their problems for them. Need a new house alarm? Get the gopher at the club to ring up someone to sort it. A few years ago Evra told how his every whim is taken care of by the club’s gophers – down to the simplest of DIY jobs.

Under the watchful eye of player liaison manager Barry Moorhouse the gophers are on hand 24 hours a day to have cars fixed, Jacuzzis repaired and domestic niggles sorted. At the time a club source said the gophers made sure stars’ lives ran smoothly off the pitch. They added: “United have players from all over the world and it can be difficult for them to settle.”

“It means they are not worrying about little things. The manager wants them to concentrate on football. But some requests are ridiculous.”

“Players are so pampered. And it doesn’t stop at the players. Wags get treated better than the Royals.”

Former United forward Brian McClair gave an insight into what else the Premier League champions lay on for players. He said: “I don’t go into the first team dressing room very often, but when I popped in I noticed there was a new addition to the room – a large flat-screen TV.”

“I switched it on and saw there was a scrolling screen informing players of details for the day. There were times of training, massage times, pedicure times, hair care times, whose turn it was to speak to MUTV, who to instruct to run a bath for you, weights sessions, yoga times and nutrition advice.”  I mean Jesus. Can’t these people get a filofax like everyone else?!”

This is not a new practice. Even 10 years ago footballers were pampered and couldn’t cope with making decisions or picking up a phone. When one of my relatives worked at QPR, Nigel Quasie once came to training with his dog. This may not seem that strange, but the problem was the dog wasn’t very well. So Nige brought the dog in to see the club doctor. Ringing a vet like most people probably didn’t even occur to him as an option.

Tales such as these really do make me think. Can these players really not think for themselves or keep appointments?! Next we’ll be hearing that these footballers are getting people to wipe their arses for them or spoon feed them their dinner. The only thing they probably like doing themselves is having sex. And they certainly make sure they do that a lot.

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  1. Dazza says:

    Footballers are dumb ass, quite ironic when you think that they earn more money than anyone else in this country who actually do a more meaningful job. I am sure there is someone out there who makes roaring sales in velcro shoes for these….

    To be fair they leave the real world at a young age

    • Collinio says:

      Dazza your right they do leave the real world at a young age but I think most of us would like to at times like these! No excuse for it and no sympathy!

    • Collinio says:

      Rules are rules and even super rich footballers need to comply!Dazza your right they do leave the real world at a young age but I think most of us would like to at times like these! No excuse for it and no sympathy!

  2. MacDaddy says:

    Too much money, too young, equals recipe for disaster. Players of today just don’t live in the real world

    • Serious Mitch says:

      I agree – if the players didn’t have the clubs to do everything for them they’d be in big trouble, probably dying of starvation within a couple of weeks.

  3. bozza says:

    To quote the Specials – “Too much too young”

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